Accountant
A person who works with numbers but lacks the personality to be an economist.
Bank
A place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. (Bob Hope)
Bargain
Something you can't use offered at a price you can't resist. (Ned Kelly)
Broke
What you are after working with a financial advisor.
Budget
A mathematical system designed to remind you that you can't afford the kind of living you've grown accustomed to.
Bull market
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bull
What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked last quarter.
Charity
Something that begins at home, and usually stays there.
Credit
The preferred method of acquiring money for people who are too timid to steal and too proud to beg.
Derivatives
Financial weapons of mass destruction. (Warren Buffett)
Economist
An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Financial Planner
A person whose phone has been disconnected.
Income tax
Capital punishment.
Inflation
A situation in which no one has enough money because everyone has too much money.
Inheritance
Will-gotten gains.
Loanation
Money given, typically to a close relative, which the provider considers a loan and which the recipient considers a donation.
Lottery
A tax on the gullible.
Market correction
The event that occurs the day after you buy.
Money
The most efficient labor-saving device ever invented.
Poverty
Having too much month left at the end of the money.
Power
The only narcotic regulated by the SEC rather than the FDA.
Quarter
A dollar, after taxes.
Retirement
The point at which one stops living at work and starts working at life.
Social Security
A federally mandated pyramid scheme.
Spendthrift
A person who considers it a sin to die rich.
Tax refund
A tactic devised by politicians to give you back some of your own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it's a gift.
Value investing
The art of buying low and selling lower.
